Des Speaks...

Download Police Brutality.

Man - 'You've busted my leg, that's Police Brutality.'
Des - 'How brutal do ya want me to be? All yours blondie.'
Polly - 'Thanks.'

Download Who's who.

Reg - 'Munroe's alright, give you backup for anything you want to do, as long as you're not out of order.'
Des - 'Bit stiff tho, isn't he?'
Reg - 'Well.'
Des - 'One bloke went looney tunes, didn't he? What happened there?
Reg - 'Dave Quinnan, he had a bit of a breakdown, that's all.'
Des - 'Doner'ed wasn't he?'
Reg - 'eh?'
Des - 'Doner kebabed, stabed.'
Reg - 'He nearly lost his life.'
Des - 'What about the sergeants?'
Reg - 'June Ackland, she's very reliable.'
Des - 'Is that the old doris, yeah.'
Reg - 'Yes, well, you won't get any trouble out of her. Matt Boyden, he can be a bit funny, he prefers the easy life, and he's a bit of a ladies man aswell.'
Des - 'There's nuffing wrong with that.'

Download You're not married, are you Reg?

Des - 'You're not married are you Reg?'
Reg - 'No, well, unfortunately I've yet to meet the right person.'
Des - 'She would have to be very special. What about Gilmore?'
Reg - 'He ain't been here very long.'
Des - 'Bandit isn't he?'
Reg - 'He's of the homosexual persuasion, if that's what you mean.'
Des - 'Who persuaded him? It's not natural tho, is it?'
Reg - 'I don't know about that.'
Des - 'Now two women you can understand.'
Reg - 'Can you?'
Des - 'Doesn't that get your juices going?'
Reg - 'Not really, no.'
Des - 'What does float your boat Reg?'
Reg - 'I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.'
Des - 'You're pulling my plonker. The average man is supposed to think about sex something like every six seconds.'
Reg - 'Hmm, well, perhaps I'm not the average man.'
Des - 'You can say that again.'

Download Who's who 2.

Des - 'How long have you been at Sunhill?'
Di - 'Long enough.'
Des - 'Who should I look out for?'
Di - 'What do ya mean?'
Des - 'Who can I rely on, who's dodgy, who's the Guvnor screwing?'

Download Ground Rules.

Des - 'Before we start Reg, a few ground rules. The right hand side of the car, is my side of the car, I own it. I let you rent the left hand side. You only answer the main set, if and when I tell you, you only accept a call if and when I tell you. I do not do abandoned traces, I do not do sense hold up alarms, and I do not do domestics, other than that anything goes. What gets said or done in the car, stays in the car, and that cuts both ways. Any questions?'
Reg - 'Yeah, why me?'
Des - 'Reg, I'm insulted that you ask. Your reputation preceeds you.'
Reg - 'Does it?'
Des - 'You are the main man.'
Reg - 'Am I?'

Download Quickie.

Des - 'How about I come in and take down your particulars?'
Girl - 'I can't believe you came out with that line.'
Des - 'I thought it was a bit more polite than, how about a quickie?'

Download Vegetarian.

Reg - 'Didn't we get a vegetarian one?'
Des - 'Yeah, the Hawaiian's over there.'
Reg - 'No that's pineapple and ham.'
Des - 'Well pick the pineapple off.'

Download Off the car.

Des - 'Either Worrel's off the car, or I am.'
Gilmore - 'Has she upset you?'
Des - 'I'm not working with her, and before you ask, it's nothing to do with sex, colour or creed.'
Gilmore - 'What then?'
Des - 'She's clueless.'
Gilmore - 'Well don't sit on the fence.'
Des - 'She is, she hasn't got a clue

Download Genius.

Des - 'Reg, you are a genius.'

Download That's me name.

Debbie - 'You're Des.'
Des - 'That's my name, don't wear it out.'
Debbie - 'You're not the most popular guy in the station, are you Des?'
Des - 'I didn't know life was a popularity contest.'

Download You'll go blind.

Chandler - 'You'll go blind Des.'
Des - 'Sorry Guvnor, are you on first dibs?.'
Chandler - 'So out of all the stations in all of the Met, you had to get posted to mine.'
Des - 'She was nice, tho. Are you sure you haven't?'
Chandler - 'Hmmm, I know it's hard for you Des, but it's 'are you sure you haven't, Sir'.'

Download Sloppy seconds.

Des - 'There was a time when you used to have my sloppy seconds, sir.'
Chandler - 'Yeah, hurry up and do something stupid so I can get you transfered.'
Des - 'Don't worry Tom. Your secrets are safe with me.'

Download Des singing to a reluctant Roz.

Download Des appologising to Reg.

Reg - 'I'm not an idiot, so please don't treat me like one.'
Des - 'I was out of order. I'm sorry.'
Reg - 'What?'
Des - 'You know, you're one of the weirdest blokes I've ever met, but I can't think of another copper I would rather be paired with.'

Download Cry.

Des - 'Reggie babe, I'm no good in these situations, mate, but if you wanna cry, cry.'

Download Girls best friend.

Shop Assistant - 'How much was Sir thinking of spending?'
Des - 'Well, money's no object, is it? I mean, he's got a credit card and a house.'
Shop Assistant - 'Then I would recommend diamonds.'
Des - 'Girls best friend.'
Shop Assistant - 'Nah, that's a chocolate bar.'

Download Plastic Surgeons Paradise.

Des - 'It's like a plastic surgeons paradise in here.'

Download Poof.

Copper - 'You fancied him didn't you?'
Craig - 'That is beneath contempt.'
Des - 'Problem Sarge?'
Craig - 'No, no problem, see you Friday Des.'
Des - 'He maybe a poof, but he's *our* poof.'

Download Impersonating a Police Officer.

Reg - 'Bloke must be a nutter, going around impersonating a Police Officer.'
Des - 'Oh yeah? Look at you. You do it everyday.'

Download Spoiler.

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