Matt Speaks...



Download Click this thing

Jim - 'Well I got a question. What happens if this fella who's impersonating Sergeant Boyden recognises him?'
Matt - 'I click this thing as fast as I can, before him and his crew stick it up my arse!'
Background laughter


Download Fair

Jim - 'When we go in, I suppose we have to be even handed and fair, do we Sarge?'
Matt - 'Fair? Fair's somewhere you go to buy candyfloss and win a goldfish.'


Download Gamble

Matt - 'Do you gamble, Penny?'
Penny - 'Do I what?'
Matt - 'Gamble. You know, chance it, take a risk.'
Penny - 'No, not me.'
Matt - 'Well you should, at least once in your life.'
Penny - 'I would have to ask my husband about that.'
Matt - 'Yeah well, your husband is the last person you should ask.'


Download Cheer up

Matt - 'Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the lampost. Today you're the lampost. Cheer up!'

Download I'm having a baby.

June - 'No, why, what's happening?
Lady - 'I'm having a baby, that's what's happening.'
Matt - 'Well, you can't have it here.'
Lady - 'Well you are welcome to try and stop it mate.'


Download Cold as a witches tit.

Matt - 'Woman, cold as a witches tit.'

Download Saint June.

Matt - 'Saint June.'

Download Older.

Matt - 'I'm looking forward to being a little older and wiser.'
Vicky - 'I'm not sure the latter, you're still the man about town.'
Matt - 'I spose that's quite a compliment for a man just turned 40.'


Download Milk.

Matt - 'So they find out that milk comes from cows and not cartons.'

Download Attractive.

Matt - 'Of course you are attractive. Very attractive.'
June - 'Am I?'
Matt - 'Course you are.'
June - 'So how come you've never made a pass at me?'
Matt - 'I don't go out with older women.....JUNE!! IT WAS A JOKE!!'


Download Hammers.

Boy - 'It was the Hammers.'
Matt - 'What?'
Boy - 'The 'W' on the window. It was for the Hammers'
Matt - 'But Hammers is spelt with an H.'
Boy - 'West Ham United, you dork!'
Matt - 'Oh right.'


Download Here Miss.

Grandaughter - 'Amy Boyden?'
Amy - 'Here Miss.'
Grandaughter - 'What's your name Grandad?'
Matt - 'Matthew Boyden.'
Amy - 'Matthew Boyden?'
Matt - 'Here Miss.'


Download SPOILER!

Massive Spoiler for non Uk viewers.


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